I'm really glad you said something — feeling that level of insecurity can be so heavy, and it can make you feel like you're the only one dealing with it, even though you're absolutely not.

And yes… it does get better. Not in a magical "one day you wake up cured" way, but in a real, gradual, "I'm learning myself and I'm not tearing myself apart every second of the day anymore" way.

"Common knowledge" is not actually common.

Every designer who seems effortlessly knowledgeable? They learned that stuff somewhere — a YouTube video, a high school art teacher, a hobby.

No one is born knowing: Bauhaus, Swiss design, Gestalt principles, grids, kerning, color theory.

It's all learnable. And you can learn it now, at your own pace.

Some people are loud before they are good. Some people are good before they are loud. You happen to be in the second category — and it feels awful when the first category takes up all the space.

Your lack of confidence does not mean your work is bad. Other people's confidence does not mean their work is good.

It's totally okay that your message wandered a bit — what you're describing is very human. Wanting a sense of achievement, missing learning, feeling unfulfilled...

🧠 What Happens in the Brain When We Set and Pursue Goals?

1. Goal-setting engages the brain's "reward circuitry"

When you set a clear, meaningful goal, the brain activates systems involving dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to motivation, learning, and reward.

When you decide on a goal → dopamine rises a little.

When you make progress → dopamine rises again.

When you achieve the goal → another release reinforces the behavior.

This creates a psychological loop:

goal → action → progress → reward → motivation → further action

Small, achievable goals (like doing more push-ups, or consistent gym sessions) are especially effective because they reliably trigger this cycle.

2. Goals provide structure to the prefrontal cortex (PFC)

The PFC is the part of the brain responsible for:

• planning
• focus
• self-control
• long-term decision making

Having a goal gives the PFC "something to organize around."
Without goals, the PFC tends to drift, which can feel like you're unanchored or not progressing.

You're basically giving your brain a north star to align itself around.

3. Progress counters helplessness and increases self-efficacy

Self-efficacy is your belief in your ability to accomplish things.
Low self-efficacy can feel like:

"I'm not achieving anything."
"I don't feel capable."
"Nothing I do really matters."

Every small win — literally even 1 more push-up than before — gives the brain evidence that you can create change. This is incredibly stabilizing and energizing.

4. Goals reduce stress by giving uncertainty a structure

Ambiguity and lack of direction can trigger background stress.
Even a small, controlled goal reduces this because your brain has something clear to work on.

It's like:
"Okay, this part of my life is under my control."

That alone can make your everyday environment feel less overwhelming.

5. Physical activity adds a whole additional layer

Gym goals have extra mental benefits:

• exercise increases BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor), which supports learning and mental resilience
• it reduces cortisol
• it boosts mood-regulating neurotransmitters
• consistent routines strengthen habits and discipline

So gym goals are doubly effective:
body-level progress + brain-level regulation.

🌱 Why this makes sense for your situation

You're in a program that's:

• practical
• not very intellectually stimulating
• not aligned with your need to study and learn

So your brain is missing the "achievement dopamine" that studying or learning used to give you.
That leaves a psychological gap — and you're feeling it.

Setting a small, personal, measurable goal (like gym progress or 10 push-ups) gives you:

• a personal project
• a sense of growth
• a source of internal achievement
• something fully under your control

It's not about "finding your purpose."
It's about creating a source of momentum.

🏋️ And starting with the gym is smart

It's:

• visible progress
• measurable
• concrete
• doable even with a busy schedule
• proven to improve mental health and cognitive function

Even showing up regularly is a win your brain will reward you for.

Why progress in art feels "invisible"

Physical skills = visible metrics
Push-ups ↗ Weight ↗ Reps ↗

Creative skills = the opposite
Design progress: improved taste, better judgement, subtle improvements that only YOU notice.

The improvements happen in your mind, not your muscles.

Small, achievable goals are especially effective

Goal → action → progress → reward → motivation → further action

This creates a psychological loop that your brain craves.

Understanding the need for control:

The desire to control everything often comes from anxiety — it's your brain's attempt to feel safe in an unpredictable world. When things feel chaotic or uncertain, controlling outcomes gives a temporary sense of security.

Anchors for letting go of control:

• "I don't have to script every moment to be safe."

• "Uncertainty is uncomfortable, but it's not dangerous."

• "I can handle outcomes even if they're not what I predicted."

• "Letting things unfold naturally allows for pleasant surprises."

• "My worth isn't tied to how perfectly things go."

Quick reality-check prompts:

When you feel the need to control:

1. Ask: "What's the worst that could happen if I don't control this?"
2. Then: "And could I survive that?"
3. Finally: "What might go RIGHT if I let go?"

The paradox of control:

Trying to control everything actually gives you LESS control over your own peace. The more you release, the more energy you have for what truly matters.

Yes — that is absolutely possible.

Fantasizing isn't the issue. Attachment to the fantasy is what hurts.

Anchor Upgrade:

• "It's okay to enjoy imagining things — it doesn't need to become a promise."

• "The real world is allowed to surprise me in better ways than my imagination."

• "I can like the idea without needing it to become reality."

Codependency always tries to convince you: "THIS person is the center of my universe."

But the version of you that thrives in relationships is the one who stays connected to her own life.

Anchor Upgrade:

• "I can love someone and still choose myself every day."

• "My routines and friendships protect my balance — they're not optional."

Your Personalized Anchor Set:

1. My worth is steady — someone else's timing doesn't define me.

2. I don't need to predict the future; I can let it unfold.

3. I can enjoy fantasies without needing them to become reality.

4. My feelings are valid, and I don't have to act on them right away.

5. I can let things develop naturally without forcing them.

6. I stay connected to my own life, routines, and passions.

7. I can love someone deeply without losing myself.